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If I lose myself I lose it all

Transformation is my word of 2016. There are a lot things I want to learn, places I want to go, new ways I want to grow and I want to be open to the transformation that that will bring.

But, of course, I still want to stay myself. 

The last few weeks have been a scary time of growth. I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone; I really wanted that. And at times, when I feel overwhelmed and under-skilled in this new role, I forget how well, uncomfortable that feels. How uneasy. It ratchets up my imposter syndrome to the max. It makes me question every single decision.

And then something will happen and I will be able to help, to contribute, to offer something useful. I’ll realise that a) I have learned so much in the past six weeks that I’m actually well equipped to help and b) that years worth of completely different experience helped me get there.

As my new boss reminds me – I was hired for me. They could have hired a specialist in the field. They could have hired someone with tons of experience doing this exact thing. But for very deliberate, specific reasons, I’m the one that’s here. And if I remind myself of that, it empowers me to use my lack of knowledge. To get used to that space where things are unknown.

Surprisingly, it can be a beautiful thing. It frees you up to ask a lot of silly questions. To re-examine things. To not have the weight of legacy systems holding you back. To, as Claire said to me just last week, “revel in the freedom of being able to create your own rules.”

And that comes from both allowing transformation to happen and staying completely and utterly myself. (And yes, that does mean continuing to use Beyonce lyrics as blog post titles.)

Illustration by Amalia Andrade.

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